Alright. Time for a serious moment here. Megan and I talked about this last week at bible study, but I've been thinking about it ever since. And its really bothering me. But I know if I write about it, I'll be able to process through it. So here's my "I don't really know what I'm talking about but I need to try to get the words out" post.
I talk a lot about love, and how powerful, beautiful, and amazing it is. God's love for us, our love for God, the love between two people. I believe that love in all forms is the most powerful force in the world. Love changes people lives. It changed mine in two ways.
Senior year of high school was rough. I just wanted out of Norcross, Georgia. I was going to school in another state and couldn't wait to just get away from home. I was tired of being at home and tired of being around the same people. I was tired of constantly being surrounded by people that had let me down. Honestly, I was just tired. Exhausted, even. I made it through one of the roughest summers I could have imagined, and finally found my new home in Charleston, South Carolina. I found a family in Charleston. My best friends are there. I've made friendships with my friends at school that I know I'm going to have for the rest of my life. I dated a few guys, but nothing serious. I spent the entire summer convincing myself that love didn't exist, that it was just chemicals in my brain making me feel things that, ultimately, just made me feel pain. So i decided that I didn't believe in love, it no longer existed for me.
Denying the existence of love did absolutely nothing to make me feel better. It just made me feel alone. And then I met someone, and for the first time in almost a year, I was happy. He was someone I could be myself around. We could talk for hours about absolutely everything. All that pain from back home began to disappear. And then he and I had a conversation that changed my perspective on everything. He told me he didn't believe in love, didn't believe in marriage, and didn't believe that people could change. Mind you, these had been things I had been convincing myself of since I moved out. But hearing it from someone else shocked me. We talked for hours about it, and I began to try to convince him that love did exist, that people can change, and some times you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. In trying to convince him that love DOES exist, in all forms, I began to convince myself of that too. Without actually realizing it, I began to believe in love again, and how powerful it could be.
Things began to go south between us, and eventually we decided that we didn't want to be together anymore. I hurt. I was upset. And I was angry. I had opened myself up to the possibility of love and, like before, I got hurt. But one thing was different. I walked away from that relationship believing in the power and possibility of love again. There are no winners when a relationship ends, but I believe that I came out on top. It wasn't a competition, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I walked away believing in love again. I was cold, angry, and bitter when we first started dating. But when it was over, I was open, loving, and on my way to finding peace again. After a few weeks of not talking, we got back in touch, just as friends. I could love him, I could let myself be open to loving him. He's a good guy. And we make one another happy. But I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in love. I can't be with someone who is that closed off. So I'm waiting. Waiting for one of two things. Waiting for him to change his mind about love, which may never happen. And waiting to find someone who believes in love, too. Its an adventure, let me tell you.
The same night I ended up convincing myself that love actually existed is the same night my friend Morgan and I had the first of many "God talks". They're as simple as the sound, we sat on the floor of her dorm room (and later apartment) with whatever food we could find and just talked, for hours, about God and religion, and faith, and our beliefs. I hadn't been to church (voluntarily) in years. That next Sunday, I went to church with her. I cried. Over the next few weeks, I started attending a different church in Charleston, Grace Episcopal (the same denomination I attended when I was younger). That first service was like going home, in the truest sense of the word. Over a year of being angry with everyone, with my family, with my friends, with myself, and with God, and after fifteen minutes in my first service with Morgan I was back on speaking terms with God again. I sat there, again on the floor of Morgan's room, and talked all night with her. About everything that had made me stop going to church in the first place.
That's when Megan started helping me. The greatest thing she has helped me learn over the past six months, is that "church" isn't just about the building. You can have a relationship with God just by waking up every morning and promising, to yourself and to God, to live your life as if He was leading you. The second greatest lesson I've learned, because of Megan, is probably the most important. God loves me. He always has. He loved me even when I turned my back on him. He didn't abandon me, leaving me to deal with everything alone. He was right there with me the entire time, patiently waiting for me to realize that I was never alone. I opened my heart back up to God's love, and now I feel more whole than I have in my entire life.
The message behind all of this: Don't give up on love. Especially God's love. When it comes right down to the wire, if you have a solid, loving relationship with God, you will be able to survive anything.
