I just need to get this out there...

My dad moved out of his and my stepmom's house yesterday. He started packing on Friday night, finished Saturday morning, and had all of his things in a storage unit by lunch time. He's living with my Uncle David (his oldest younger brother) and Aunt Claire and my two cousins for now. He driving to Florida this week with Ruby (his dog) and staying for a few weeks with his parents in Tampa. He might be moving down there in the fall after my brother is all moved into college.

This "split" is affecting me a lot less because of the nature of their relationship, but I'm having a really hard time with it. On one hand, I'm really sad for my dad. No one should have to do this once, let alone twice in one lifetime. I'm angry for him. I know how hard he was trying to make it work this time. And I know how much he loves her. But I guess it wasn't meant to be, you could say.

I'm steadily losing faith in the idea of a "lasting" relationship. Honestly, I don't think it can happen anymore. I'm bound and determined to not make the same mistakes my parents made and my dad and stepmother made. But who's to say I won't be in the same boat in 25 years?

I want to get married someday. I want the marriage and the family and the life to share with someone else. But all evidence up to this point in time has me convinced that it doesn't work and never will. What's the point?

“I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it is. I think that’s why she always struggled with God. And I think that’s why she also struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed. But sometimes it’s those things you can’t touch that you need to hold on to the most.” ~Carrie Ryan

“My dear, you don’t seem to realize that all there is in life is love. That’s all there is. Money doesn’t matter, what you own doesn’t matter, how old you are, who your friends are, what you accomplish in life, means nothing. The only thing worth anything is love. Love is what makes our time on Earth worth something. And you know something else? Love, true love, is rare. It doesn’t happen very often. Most people spend their lives searching for it and never find it.” ~Nellie Montgomery

"Its Saint Patty's Day, everyone's Irish tonight!"

May the blessing of light be on you--
light without and light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you
and warm your heart
till it glows like a great peat fire.

This doesn't apply to anyone who might actually read this. But this is something I need to get off my chest.

HOW DARE YOU undermine my career path and degree choice. The way that my program works out, I'll get a B.S. in Secondary Education and a B.A. in Physics. Yes, I think its ridiculous that its just a B.A. for a science degree, but there literally isn't a darn thing I can do about it. It doesn't make me any less intelligent than you. It doesn't mean that you'll do "better" things with your life. It literally just means that I don't have to take THREE EXTRA COURSES THAT I WILL NEVER EVER NEED OR USE AS A TEACHER. I am going to school to be a teacher. That's what I want to do. That's what I've always wanted to do. I love physics and I always will, and I'm making it my goal as a teacher to pass that love onto my future students.

Working for a B.A. in Physics does not make me any less serious about my education. It doesn't make me any less serious about a degree in physics. It doesn't make me any less of a student than you.

You are a small minded imbecile if you think that because I won't have a B.S. in Physics I won't be able to do anything with my career. Also, while I'm on this rant about you, screw you for being a small minded, imbecilic, sexist pig. We have three classes together this semester and will have multiple over the next few years, I'm doing exponentially better than you in every single one of these classes (go figure, trying actually helps) and you STILL FIND IT NECESSARY to make sexist and rude comments to me about being a woman in an intense physics program.

AGH.

“To live is to choose but to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go… and why you want to get there.” ~Kafi Arrar

Nothing like crappy class to make you feel like a complete and total idiot.

Its really unfortunate that I'm actually disappointed in some of my teachers here at college. You would think that people that go through the effort to get a college education and like teaching enough to go teach at a college or university would actually put the effort into being a decent teacher. While I realize that many people end up teaching at a college or university for the research opportunities, but still. If you're going to be a teacher, atleast put in the effort to be a halfway decent one.

On the bright side, atleast I'm learning how NOT to be a teacher...

Today I heard a story about Egypt.

A group of people made a human chain around another group, to protect them from getting hurt by the riots.

What made this story amazing was that that chain was made up of Christians, and they were protecting a group of Muslims so that they could pray safely.

Accepting each other, no matter what religion, GMH.

THIS is what love and acceptance are like.

Dear Universe,

Want to cut my family some slack for a while? Much appreciated.

Much love,
Meagan

Run baby, run.
Don't ever look back.

Longest week ever. Ready set go.

We get the news about Mom this week. Pray for her, please.

Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado
I tried to hold on to you
Took a ride on a tilt-a-whirl that sits on top of the world
Man, I thought I could show you
I've always been afraid of flying
But you can't blame a girl for trying

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side as long as you are true to the best that is in you.” ~Christian D. Larson

It would be nice to date someone again. This sounds trivial compared to my last posting, but it has been on my mind for a while now. The past few guys I've been involved with (well, pretty much everyone except for one since high school) haven't been the most quality people out there. One smokes cigarattes (that much didn't bother me AS MUCH as the fact that he lied to me about it). The other one thought I was too busy to make a relationship work (admittedly, he was true) but when he asked me out again the next semester, he was dating someone and failed to mention that little part. The last one, I really thought it was going somewhere. But out of the blue, he stopped talking to me. Then started talking to me again. Then stopped. So I gave up on that one.

Its frustrating. It would be nice to date someone, a nice someone, a someone who isn't a jerk, a someone who I could have a relationship with that could go somewhere..

Today was easily the longest and most terrifying day I have had in almost ten years. Ten years ago was easier, though. I didn't really understand what was going on, all I knew was that mom was sick and she was at the hospital and that I couldn't see her. All the same things happened today, except I understand (medically) what was going on.

Mom had a doctor's appointment today. I knew about it last night. I was concerned, but not really expecting anything out of the ordinary. Then I got a phone call this morning; it was mom, saying they might have found something wrong. One of her pupils was uber dialated, it looked like it was blown. Blown pupils mean aneurysm. Aneurysms are bad. Very bad. She was headed to the hospital for two MRI scans, she told me she would call me when she got the results. If they found anything hinky, they would immediately admit her to the hospital and would take her in to surgery. This is when I started freaking out. I prayed a lot. And freaked out even more. I packed a bag, got my school stuff together, called a friend and asked her to borrow her car, and waited to hear from my mom. If they ended up having to take her into surgery, I was going home, no questions asked.

In the end, it worked out. They didn't find anything hinky on the scans and said she was free to go home. She is going back for more tests later this week though, just for some followup.

I have never been this terrified in my life. I cried a lot. I can't even describe how scared I was. Its so hard being this far away from home and knowing that when I am this far away, there is literally nothing I can do for my family. I hate being this far away and knowing that if something happens to mom, I can't be there in a heartbeat to help her. If she would let me transfer home, I would. Knowing that she might be in the hospital and in surgery and I was close to 6 hours away at a minimum was terrifying.

I don't know what to do. I hate feeling that helpless and not knowing what I am supposed to do. I'm worried something else will happen.

Home serves to remind me of a family I'll never actually be apart of, relationships with family and friends that are superficial at best, and a life that really isn't mine anymore.

The life that my father and brother and I had together worked for us. It was hard. And there were some days when I just didn't want to get out of bed in the morning because it was too painful to deal with how much everything had changed. Honestly, there are still days like that and I'm only home at most three months out of a year. But, we made it work, what we had.

And now, my father has a new life, with a new wife and new kids; he has a new family. And, truth be told, there is no way to blend the old family with the new. There is no way to fit my brother and I into their new life together. I accepted that fact a long time ago. I accepted the idea that my relationship with my father would never be the same. In some ways, its better than it ever had been. But in more ways, we're like strangers.

There is a quote, by some ignorant imbecile, that says "Your reality is what you make it". To this thought process and mentality, I say screw you. You can not change reality. Its not possible. I've been trying for almost seven years to change my reality into something I could control, into something that I could handle and deal with. I failed at that. The reality of my relationship with my father is devastating, but there isn't much I can do about it at this point. It is what it is. I'm tired of fighting to make it work.

Imagine a thirteen year old girl trying to hold her family together, or what was left of it. She had to grow up because of it, grow up faster than a thirteen year old should have to in my opinion. This year marks the 6 year anniversary of when my parents sat me down and told me Dad was moving out and I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with all of this right now.

I haven't had a bad life. I have two parents who love me and support me and just want what's best for me. They provided me with every opportunity a kid should have- a home, food to eat, a good education, opportunities to succeed. I didn't grow up in awful foster care situations and I'm not starving in a third world country. For all intents and purposes, my life's been perfect compared to others. I don't take any of that for granted. Neither one of my parents are bad people. They made their mistakes, but they're human and that happens.

But I'm so angry with them. An all consuming anger that just makes me want to scream and cry and just yell. I'm angry because of how things are now and how things used to be and the way things will be for the rest of our lives.

And I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to end up like them- alone and angry at the world. I'm scared that because of what I went through with them when their marriage fell apart that I won't ever be able to make a relationship actually successful. I am terrified of ending up alone.

I'm working on my relationship with God and he is patiently working with me too as I struggle to figure out who I am in this world. I know I am never really alone because of him being present in my life. But when it comes to relationships and the future and my reality, I'm terrified.

I miss my father. I miss how things used to be. Things were never great, but they never were awful until the very end. I miss the days when I wasn't so emotionally stunted that I could actually let someone see who I really was. I can't do that anymore. I don't know how. I miss that little girl in the pictures with the crazy brown curls and crooked teeth who didn't have a care in the world- I'm jealous of how easy her life used to be.

I disassociate from things that might make me emotional. My mother and brother star arguing so I start staring at the painting on the wall in front of me, trying to ignore them at the dinner table. My father starts talking about how his relationship with his new wife isn't what he wants it to be and I start thinking about all the different books I could read to get ahead in my classes. Disassociating makes it easier to deal with. I started doing it when I was thirteen and I'm still doing it now. My friends give me hell for me, too. "Meagan, why don't you ever show emotion about anything?" "Meagan, this would upset anyone else, why not you?" "Meagan, why aren't you excited about this?" I can't do it anymore though. I have to stop. I'm turning into this unfeeling, emotionless, cold hearted monster who wants to get as far away from Norcross as humanly possible. And I hate that. That's not who I am. Not at all.

I'm having a really hard time with this. And I don't know what to do. Its all hit me like a ton of bricks in the face and I can't sleep and I just want to forget all of this. I don't know what to do.