I am alive; and I have a purpose.

Its funny how one seemingly simple lapse in judgment can define the rest of your life. Its funny how one seemingly simple lapse in judgment can affect how you go about your life.

I lied. Its not funny. It sucks.

This is why I'm so uptight. This is why people tell me to relax ALL THE TIME. This is why people think I'm wound so tightly I'll snap at any minute. I constantly have to check myself before I do ANYTHING, for fear of the repercussions of whatever it is.

College needs to be over. I'm ready to be done with this.

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead me and guide me.
Psalm 31:3

Maybe, one of these days, it'll all go back to how it used to be. Things used to be so much easier. I knew exactly where my life was going and I knew exactly who was going to be a part of that. Now, I have no idea. Its very lonely sometimes.

I'm declaring my second major today and my minor later in the week. The course of my college education of officially set in stone. I'm not going to change majors again. I'm picking something that I love but that also has practicality. Maybe this will turn out okay after all. My plan for the next five years:
Graduate college with a B.S. in Physics, B.A. in Secondary Education, and a minor in math.
Apply and attend graduate school at: College of Charleston, Georgia State, or UVA.
Leave. Join the Peace Corps. Go to India or Ghana or Columbia or Iran. Make a difference.
...OR...
Join the Navy (yes, I'm still toying with this idea).
...OR...
Get a job at an inner city school in New York, Charleston, Atlanta, Los Angelos, or Washington D.C. Change the American education system. Or atleast try to.

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken- winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Langston Hughes

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
-2 Timothy 1:7.

This will seem familiar...

Read this while you are listening to this. Ignore the text in the video, just read the speech and listen to the music. I can't describe it. I'm not sure what moves me more; the speech or the music. More than likely, its the combination of the two. He has such passion for music. He truly believes in the power of what he does. It terrifies me that I haven't felt that passionate about anything in my entire life. It makes me feel very lost. Its been almost two years since we were first introduced to this combination of words and music and I came across them again just this afternoon. Its possible that I feel even more lost than I did when I first heard them. I want to be this passionate about my life and what I want to do with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I have a good life. There is nothing about my life worth complaining about. But when it comes to the vocational side of things, when it comes to what I'm doing to do with my life over the next fifty years, I'm at a loss. I want to be passionate about whatever it is that I end up doing, and I'm terrified that won't happen.