Currently I'm double majoring in Physics and Secondary Education.

Its a lot of work. And I love it. Most of the time.

I love history, its possibly my favorite subject out there. But physics and education are "practical" and my parents are all about practicality when it comes to choosing a major.

If I keep the double major and add in a minor in history... I might not survive college. It will take a heck of a lot of work to get that added minor in. But I'll graduate college and be able to say that I LOVE with all my heart one of my degrees. It might kill me, the amount of studying it'll take to get the minor in, but it'll be worth every second.

History

Its almost amusing how, two years after high school is over and done with, you can be in a room with the same people you were close with in high school and everything is different. That's how tonight was. The core group of people I was closest with got together for a "reunion" of sorts. It was fun, mostly. Its just interesting how different things are now, some of us are almost strangers. Someone I once loved, someone I used to really like, my best friend in the world, someone I am closer with now than I ever used to be, someone I've always been close with; we all have so much history with one another. History that is never spoken of. We don't talk of the times when he and I loved one another, but everyone knows about them. We don't talk of the times when she and I used to be close, but everyone knows they used to be there. We don't talk of the times when those two people were so happy together, but everyone remembers them. We don't talk of the past, all it does it open up old wounds (some barely healed, some heavily scarred) and cause people to question everything that once was. We don't talk of the future, because no one really knows what will happen to us in the end. We don't really talk of the present, no one knows what to say about who we are. But i'd be willing to bet that in some alternate universe where everyone always speaks their mind about what's going on and what's happened, we'd all be fighting to be heard over one another's memories and recollections. We'd all be screaming to be heard over one another. I know what I would be saying.

How could I have been so stupid.
How could I have been so naive.
Why did I do that to myself.
Why didn't I believe you when you said __.
Why did I believe you when you said ___.

How would our lives be different now if we could redo those moments we wish we could take back or repeat or do again? Who would I be as a person if I could change just one or two things?

It blows my mind that we can all be in the same room as one another, a room filled with so much history, and not even think twice about it.

I'm home.
I'm home.
I'm home.
I'm home.
I'm home.

Finally.

He broke you into little tiny pieces. And I put your back together, one shattered piece at a time. He almost destroyed your soul. You lost part of yourself because of what he did to you. So I stayed with you, I helped you find yourself and I put you back together. Then life was okay again. Peaceful, if you will. Then he broke me, destroyed my heart and made me question everything. Where were you when I needed someone to put me back together? Where were you when I needed help? Nowhere to be found. So I put myself back together. I dealt with it alone, by myself. So fast forward two years later. Here we are now. We're no longer friends, you and I. He and I are no longer friends. I've moved on. Mostly. But you're involved with him again. How much, I honestly don't know. But I know you. And I know him. And I know you won't survive if he tears you apart again. So I'm scared for you. I still care about you, I always will. We were as close as sisters for the longest time. And now I'm scared for you and for what might happen.

29!

Day 29 of the 30 Day Challenge:
Well, I'm making up my own post here. The whole purpose of this was to get me writing (something... anything...) every day. I recently came across the television show from the 80s called The Wonder Years. I'd never heard of it, nor had I ever seen any of it. But I started reading about it and it looks like a really cute show. Unfortunately, none of the seasons have been released on DVD, so I can't watch them anywhere. But I've found a bunch of quotes taken from the show over the course of its airing, and I really like them.

In your life you meet people, some you never think about again, some you wonder what happened to them, there are some that you wonder if they ever think about you and then there are some you wish you never had to think about again … but you do.

There was a time when the world was enormous, spanning the vast, almost infinite boundaries of your neighborhood – the place where you grew up, where you didn’t think twice about playing on someone else’s lawn … and the street was your territory that occasionally got invaded by a passing car. It was where you didn’t get called home until after it was dark. And all the people, and all the houses that surrounded you were as familiar as the things in your own room. And you knew they would never change.

I’m young, I live in a house my father owns, in a bed my father bought. Nothing is mine except my heart and my fears and my growing knowledge that not every road is gonna lead home anymore.

When you’re a little kid, you’re a little bit of everything: artist, scientist, athlete, scholar … sometimes it seems like growing up is the process of giving those things up one by one. I guess we all have one thing we regret giving up, one thing we really miss … that we gave up because we were too lazy or we couldn’t stick it out or because we were afraid.

Day 28 :)

Ahh, now I'm back on track.
Day 28 of the 30 Day Challenge: 100 Truths

1. Real name: Meagan Elizabeth Collins
2. Nickname: Megs, Collins, Fishie
3. Zodiac Sign: Gemini
4. Male or female: Female
5. Elementary School: Benefield Elementary until third grade, then Simpson Elementary

6. High School: Norcross High School
7. College: College of Charleston
8. Hair color: Brown
9. Tall or short: Tallish

10. What is your favorite month? October

11. Sweats or Jeans: Jeans
2. Phone or Camera: Phone
13. Health freak?: Kind of?
14. Orange or Apple: Orange!
15. Do you have a crush on someone?: You could call it that.

16. Eat or Drink: Eat
17. Piercings: One in each ear.
18. Pepsi or Coke: Coke, but I don't actually drink much soda.

HAVE YOU EVER?
19. Been in an airplane: Yep
20. Been in a relationship: Yep
21. Been in a car accident: Yep
22. Been in a fist fight: Haha kind of? Me versus wall.

23. First piercing: Ears
24. First best friend: Oliver
25. First award: Girl Scout Bronze Award
26. First time visiting Disney World? Oh jeeze, its been atleast thirteen years
27. First word: Dog

29. Last person you talked to in person: Ashleigh
30. Last person you texted: Matt
31. Last person you watched a movie with: Me, myself, and I
33. Last movie you watched: Phantom of the Opera
34. Last song you listen to: Crash by Dave Matthews
35. Last thing you bought: Gas for the car
36. Last person you hugged: Mom

FAVORITE:
37. Food: Vegetables
38. Drinks: Water, Sweet Tea, Hot tea, juice.
39. Bottoms: Jeans or leggings
40. Flower: Daisy :)
41. Animal: Dog
42. Colors: Blue and green
43. Movies: Too many to list. Good ones though!
44. Subjects: Physics and Calculus!

(Put an X in the brackets if yes)
45. [x] fallen in love with someone.
46. [x] celebrated Halloween.
47. [x] had your heart broken.
48. [] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.
49. [] had someone question my sexual orientation.
51. [x] Been depressed
52. [x] Been betrayed.
53. [x] did something I regret.
54. [x] broke a promise.
55. [x] hid a secret.
56. [x] pretended to be happy.
57. [x] met someone who changed your life.
58. [x] pretended to be sick.
59. [x] left the country.
60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.
61. [x] cried over the silliest thing.
62. [x] ran a mile.
63. [x] went to the beach with your best friend.
64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.
65. [] hated someone.
66. [] stayed single for a whole year

CURRENTLY:
67. Eating: Nothing, but I'm hungry
68. Drinking: Water
69. Listening to: Phantom of the Opera movie in the background
70. Sitting/Laying: Sitting on my bed
71. Plans for today: Bah
72. Waiting for: Winter break

YOUR FUTURE:
73. Want kids? Yep
74. Want to get married? Yep
75. Career: Teaching

WHICH IS BETTER IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?:
76. Lips or eyes? Eyes
77. Shorter or taller? Taller
78. Romantic or spontaneous? Both!
79. Legs or face? Face
81. Hook-up or relationship? Relationship
82. Looks or personality? Both are important, but personality SHOULD matter more

HAVE YOU EVER:
83. Lost glasses/contacts: Quite a few times
84. Snuck out of a house: Heh. Yeah.
85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: Nope
86. Killed somebody: Shhh. (Nope)
87. Broken someone's heart: Yeah
88. Been in love: Mmhmm
89. Cried when someone died: Oh yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself: Most days
91. Miracles: Yep
92. Love at first sight: Eh. No.
93. Heaven: Or something like it.
94. Santa Claus: I wish.
95. Sex on the first date: Trashy.
96. Kiss on the first date: If it feels right.

TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yerp
98. Do you know who your real friends are? Most days
99. Do you believe in God? Always.
100. Post as 100 truths? Nope!

Massive Catchup!

Oh goodness. What a wonderful vacation :) Time for massive catchup on the 30 Day Challenge.

Day 24 of the 30 Day Challenge: Something you could never get tired of doing.
Reading. I'll never tire of it. Some people are bored by books and reading. Not me, though. There's an Emily Dickinson poem that states "There is no frigate like a book/ to take us lands away". I think that pretty much sums it up. I read because it takes me to other worlds, other situations, and other people. Sometimes its nice to escape reality for a while.

Day 25 of the 30 Day Challenge: What's in your purse?
-Wallet (with a driver's license, insurance card, and student ID)
-house keys (to my house here at school and my house in Georgia)
-granola bar (incase get hungry)
-chapstick (I never leave the house without it)
-small notepad
-pen and pencil

Day 26 of the 30 Day Challenge: A problem that you've had.
Agh. I stress way too much for my own good. My friends here tease me about it, but its a bit of a problem. I stress over little things that I honestly have no control over. I'm working on it. But its a slow process. I need to learn not to stress about the big picture. Planning ahead is never a bad thing, but there is a right way to do it. Not stressing over the things I have absolutely no control over is not the way to do it. So, I take everything in baby steps. Just one day or one week at a time. I have plans for the next few months, but they'll fall into place when they're supposed to.

Day 27 of the 30 Day Challenge: Something that you miss.
I miss how simple high school felt. Making friends was easy- you were surrounded by the exact same people every single day. Getting good grades was easy- you went to the same class every day for an hour and your teachers actually cared about you doing well. Dating was easy(-ier)- you saw the person everyday and chances are, they lived five minutes from you. I love college, don't get me wrong. I'm having an amazing time and Charleston is such a great city to be in. I wouldn't change any aspects of my life for anything. But sometimes, everything is just so complicated.

23!

Day 23 of the 30 Day Challenge: Someone who fascinates you and why?
This is completely and totally random, but kind of cool at the same time. As well as a bit creepy, but it works. There was this kid in my physics class last year. He was wicked smart, but really grungy looking. He always wore the same thing: sneakers, jeans, and the same yellow/beige hoodie every single day. To be perfectly honest, it didn't seem like he showered. Ever. And then one day, I think it was the day of our final exam, he showed up and no one recognized him! He was clean shaven, had gotten a haircut, and was still wearing jeans but they were clean and he had on a nice button down shirt. He looked good! He aced his final like everyone thought he would, and then we went on winter break. He's in my physics class againt this semester since there is only one section of this specific class offered, and he looks exactly the same as he did on the final last year: really put together. I don't know what happened or what someone said to him or what realization he had, but (appearance wise) he pulled himself together and started dressing like a college kid. It was kind of cool :) It gave me hope that someday I'll learn how to not dress like a fifteen year old girl, haha.

Day 22!

Agh this week is off to a fantastic start! I love having good Mondays.

Day 22 of the 30 Day Challenge: How have you changed in the past two years?
Oh where do I even start. I think that people do so much maturing and growing up their freshmen year of college. I'm more mature and more level headed. I've become a bit more realistic and definitely more practical, but not at the loss of my playfulness and tendency to dream big. Two years ago today, I was a senior in high school. I was in love with a guy, had no idea where I was going to college or what I wanted to study, and all I really cared about was music and band and color guard and whether or not I was getting along with my parents. Things are a lot different now. I chose a college (obviously). I've chosen a course of study. I know where I want to be in five years. I know what I want to do with my life. I've grown up exponentially over the past two years. College and the experiences you deal with, the people you meet, and the circumstances you put yourself in force you to become a mature individual, very quickly.

November 21!

This truly has been a fantastic weekend :)

Day 21 of the 30 Day Challenge: Tell about one of your favorite tv shows.
I really don't watch much television. It'll be on when I'm in the room working on homework, but I don't pay attention all that much. However, we do watch the VH1 Top 20 Countdown every morning while we're eating breakfast downstairs. There's something about starting your day listening to music that makes waking up so early more enjoyable. We watch Grey's Anatomy every Thursday night (I know, I know, typical girls...). But I like it. Its like brain candy, as my mom used to call crappy television and crappy books. Its fine every now and then when you just need to veg but don't make a habit out of watching it.

Catch Up! (Again...)

And, its finally the weekend. Finally.

Day 19 of the 30 Day Challenge: How important is education?
Considering what it is that I want to do with my life, I think education is extremely important. You learn so much more at school than just academics and basic knowledge, if you have the right kind of teacher, that is. In my opinion, teachers should so more than just "teach". They should be advisors, mentors, role models, and those who provide guidance. I wouldn't be the independent, strong minded, and free thinking individual that I am today if it weren't for my teachers (and of course my parents). On the subject of just education though (taking core classes, etc), I think that's crucial as well. Just the basics: learning to read, basic math skills, a knowledge of general history, they're so important to being an active member of our society today. I have two goals in life and they both pertain to education: Change the way that curriculum and academic standards are created and acted upon. Work with the education systems in an impoverished country so that kids everywhere can receive the same quality of education as everyone else. Or something like that.

Day 20 of the 30 Day Challenge: Tell your 3 favorite girl names, 3 favorite boy names, and 3 favorite pet names.
Girl:
1. Audrey
2. Emily
3. Madison
Boy
1. Cameron
2. Johnathon
3. Joseph
Pet (they're all the names of my pets, haha)
1. Gypsy
2. Lexi
3. Daisy

Day 18.

This week has been saying "screw you" to me all week long. The week needs to be over, the weekend needs to be here now, and Thanksgiving Break needs to start as soon as possible. I'm exhausted, all the time. Because I stay up till 2am every night studying. Its getting old. I need a break. Please.

Day 18 of the 30 Day Challenge: Your beliefs. State them.
There are very few things that I can honestly say that I believe in one hundred percent. Well, to be honest, there are three things. And that's it.
1. I believe in love. I believe love can change your life. I believe that love transcends all other emotions. I believe that love is the one pure, unadulterated, positive emotion left in the world. I believe that everyone finds love sometime in their life. I also believe that love can last a life time.
2. I believe in God. I really don't have a better explanation than that. I believe in God.
3. I believe that life goes on. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, life goes on.

Day 17!

I need to stop staying up so late...

Day 17 of the 30 Day Challenge: Tell about your highs and lows of the past year.

The highs- I survived freshmen year of college and am surviving sophomore year. I've figured out what I truly want to do with my life. I've made some amazing friends here at school. I was elected the Vice President of Committees and Chapter Development of Alpha Kappa of Phi Mu here at school. I had an amazing job over the summer and had some great times because of it. I let God have my heart again. Its for good this time, I'm putting my trust in him and just going with whatever happens.

The lows- Second semester of freshmen year was one of the hardest times I've had to go through in a very long time. Unfortunately for me, there aren't many people who know about it or people that I'm willing to talk about it with. I find that people tend to be very judgmental when it comes to certain things and I'm not willing to risk how people perceive me. Regardless, it caused me to grow up and face reality and become a young adult, which may not necessarily be a bad thing.

Day 16!

Day 16 of the 30 Day Challenge: What are you views on mainstream music?
Well, to be perfectly honest, there are a lot of songs that have gone "mainstream" that I like quite a bit. Back home, I would have defined mainstream as music that was played all the time on the radio until people got sick of it. Since I'm not driving and don't get in a car except for once a month to go grocery shopping, we don't listen to the radio here much. But there are a lot of popular songs that I like a lot. They're catchy and fun to listen to. Katy Perry, Christina Perri, and a few other artists are some that I've grown to like. But at the same time, I still listen to Linkin Park from the 90s and the first CDs that the Goo Goo Dolls and Switchfoot ever released. And still, every instrumental, classical, "band" piece of music is in my iTunes. I download soundtracks to movies like Inception, Meet Joe Black, and Titanic. I have my own taste in music. Josh Grobin, Damien Rice, and Matt Nathanson will always be some of my favorites. I don't mind mainstream music, some of it is quite good. But I will forever have my own (very scattered) taste in music.

Double Trouble!

I'm going to do days fourteen and fifteen since I'm technically late on the 14th.

Day 14 of the 30 Day Challenge: Your earliest memory.
The earliest memory I can honestly think of is from when we lived in New Jersey. It had just snowed and we were sledding in the park a few blocks from my house. My brother was maybe six or seven months old, I was a few months away from turning three. We spent hours in the park, sledding and playing in the snow. There are pictures of us sledding, they're precious. We're so tiny its almost hard to believe that was close to eighteen years ago.

Day 15 of the 30 Day Challenge: What kind of person are you attracted to?
(Happy Hump Day of the Month!)
Someone who can make me laugh.
Someone who is an individual.
Someone who is independent but okay trusting in someone.
Someone who can be open with me.
Someone who lets me be myself.
Someone who can laugh at themselves.
Someone who presents themselves well.
Someone who uses correct grammar (I'm a freak, I know).
Someone who can draw me out of my semi-introvertive shell.
Someone who isn't afraid to be completely themselves around me.

Day 13 :)

Fun fact- thirteen is my favorite number. There is actually a story as to why this is my favorite number. It was my first day of kindergarten and the first time I was riding a school bus. All of the kids sitting around me were talking about their "favorite" and "lucky" numbers and I decided that I needed one too. So I looked around and picked the first number I saw- my bus number (the number that was laminated and displayed while at the elementary school so the students could find their proper bus). My bus number was 13 while I was in elementary school, and ever since then, its been my "favorite" number.

Day 13 of the Thirty Day Challenge: Tell about somewhere you'd like to move or visit.
One of my dreams is to hike the Appalachain Trail from start to finish, all the way from Georgia to Maine. We've already hiked all of the section of the AT that is in Georgia, but not at the same time. My brother and I have started planning our trip, the summer after he graduates college (or the summer before), he and I are going to fly up to Maine in the middle of May and work our way back to Georgia. We should be back sometime in July, probably close to the end of the month. We've been talking about doing this ever since we were kids and went on our first backpacking trip together. I'm so excited for it to actually happen :) This isn't really a move or a visit, but we'll be "moving" our way down the Appalachian Trail and "visiting" new sites every day. I think it qualifies.

November 12!

Yesterday, I freaked out a little bit. So I prayed a lot, kept to myself, and did a lot of thinking. I'm ok. I'll be ok.

Day 12 of the 30 Day Challenge:
Bullet your whole day
-8:15am Shower
-8:30am Dress
-9:00am Eat Breakfast
-9:45am Walk to Class
-10:00am Calculus 2
-10:50am Walk to Class
-11:00am French 1
-11:50am Walk to Class
-12:00pm Physics 2
-12:50 Walk back Home
-2:00 Go Grocery Shopping
That's all I have planned so far!

Have a good day everyone :)

I have a problem. And I don't know who to talk to about it. Anyone I would talk to about it would more than likely call me crazy and ridiculous and tell me to get over myself. So I'm just going to get it out on here and hope that putting words to it will help.

I don't feel anything anymore. In my heart, in my soul, I don't feel anything. I still have emotions. I get excited and enthusiastic when I talk about the future; what I want to teach, why I want to teach, the changes I want to make to the educational systems of our country. I get really intense when we have conversations about things I'm passionate about- issues with foster care systems, issues in the educational system, issues in politics. But when it comes to certain things, things that normally would make my heart beat out of control, nothing...

I went on a date last night. Just low key, hanging out, going for a walk, that kind of thing. Normally being around a guy I'm interested in makes my heart beat out of control and I turn into this silly, goodball of a girl. That used to happen even if I didn't know the guy very well. But it also used to happen after almost a year of dating someone. And now, it doesn't happen anymore. Nothing, not even a feeling of being mildly giddy or nervous. It hasn't happened for a while now. I remember the last time I felt that way. I think part of me is scared I won't ever feel that way again. That's a lie. I'm terrified I won't ever have feelings again.

This is all stupid. I shouldn't be freaked out about this. For a while, I've joked with my friends that I'm cold and heartless because of what I've been through and dealt with. Its a running joke, "Meagan, show some emotion. Meagan, don't be so heartless." But now, I'm afraid we were right.

November 11!

Would everyone take a few moment today and honor those who have served, will serve, and are serving in the United States military? What they are doing for our country is indescribable and I'm so proud of every one of them.

Day 11 of the Thirty Day Challenge:
Put your ipod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that play.
1. Harder to Breathe- Maroon 5
2. The Blowers Daughter- Damien Rice
3. Your Song- Elton John
4. One Sweet World- Dave Matthews Band
5. Better Days- Goo Goo Dolls
6. Heartbreak World- Matt Nathanson
7. Seventeen Forever- Metro Station
8. What a Wonderful World- Louis Armstrong
9. Secret Smile- Rascal Flatts
10. Hear You Me- Jimmy Eat World

Its November 10th!

We are officially a third of the way through November. How is everyone's month going? Going ok? Good, that's what I want to hear.

Day 10- Discuss your first love and your first kiss.
My first kiss was, to be totally cliche, perfect. Its the first one. There aren't any precedents, none before it for you to judge it by. It was sweet and adorable and unexpected and perfect. That's all I can really say about it. My first love was different. It started building months before it actually happened. There was a lot of heartbreak and a lot of tears before we finally figured out what we wanted. And then we were together for over a year. The ending was rough, as most if not all endings are, but we survived it and we survived each other. The middle though, that was the amazing part. We started as friends, then did the whole "I like you but don't know what to do about it" phase, then got into the "okay will you go out with me" phase which was quickly followed by "oh my goodness you have to meet my family now, this can go nowhere good". But what started out as "hey I kinda like you" turned into "wow I really like you a lot" which turned into "i love you". Plain and simple. And perfect. You don't ever forget your first love. I'll never forget mine. And I'll never regret it either. I've been in love three times. I'm going for a fourth, but that's it. After the fourth, I'm done. The first was perfect, in the "first love" kind of way. The second was, well to be honest, crazy. We were two crazy kids who were crazy about one another and didn't care what anyone else thought about it. It was insane and crazy and amazing and the passionate "I literally can not get enough of you" and heartbreaking when it ended. Parts of me are still dealing with it. The third time, well, this is the complicated one. I didn't want to love him. I was content with just liking him a little bit. But he damn well had to wiggle his way into my life in ways I didn't think were possible. So I fell for him. Hard. This was someone I wanted in my life for a long time. And I let myself love him, even though he didn't think he deserved anyone's love. He didn't know I loved him, and he doesn't know to this day. One day, he'll figure it out, and he'll let himself love someone back. I think there's someone else out there for me. (I hope there is.) But a person can only take so much.

Day 9!

Day nine of the thirty day challenge!

The challenge: Name your favorite movie and why it is so important to you?
This would have to be Dead Poets Society with Robin Williams. The basic story of that of a professor (Williams) who begins teaching a class on literature and poetry at an all boys boarding school. In the first lesson he teaches, he instructs his students to physically tear out the introduction to the textbook they are required to read (it has a "formula" for interpreting the meaning and worth of poetry and Williams' character disagrees with this method). Williams' character inspires free thought and pushes his students to develop their own ideas based on their own experiences. He is an inspiring teacher who greatly influences not only his student's education, but the reat of their lives. When I first saw this movie, I was in middle school and all I really took from it was how great of a story it was. But every time I watch it, I learn something new about education and the reason WHY education is so important. Its inspiring, how influential Williams' character is. I hope that I can be half the educator he is. I want to be able to inspire my students like that.

Day 8!

I'm back on track.
Day 8 of the Thirty Day Challenge: Tell about a moment where you felt most satisfied with your life.

That would have to be in the last week, to be perfectly honest. I sat down and started figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and what I wanted to get out of it. And I know that what I want to do is going to help people. I'm going to be a positive influence on someone's life. I'm going to make a difference. So I'm satisfied with where my life is going! :)

Catch Up!

So... I missed days six and seven; we are now on day eight. I've been sick all weekend (unfortunately) and finally feel well enough to sit up for more than ten minutes without getting dizzy. Yay for having the flu (not). Here we do!

Day 6: Write thirty interesting facts about yourself.
1. I hate snakes.
2. The show 16 and Pregnant makes me uncomfortable.
3. I moved three times before fourth grade.
4. My fourth grade teacher and I go to the same church.
5. I'm going pescetarian (sp?). Basically vegetarian, except I eat fish. I think its healthier.
6. We watch the weather channel and Regis and Kelly every morning.
7. We're going to Alaska this summer!!!
8. My favorite holiday is Halloween.
9. I have never seen Alice in Wonderland all the way through.
10. When I was little, I refused to watch Pinnochio and The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
11. I read Postsecret religiously.
12. Stumbleupon.com is the best website ever.
13. Fall is my favorite season.
14. I can not stand being cold.
15. Some might call me quirky.
16. I go to school with a girl that I have known since I was six. She is the friend that I have had the longest.
17. I am going to be a physics teacher.
18. I want to join the Peace Corps when I graduate college.
19. Chocolate makes my teeth hurt.
20. I'm a huge history buff, especially about European history.
21. I have bum knees. They're a lot of fun.
22. I wish I had stuck with swimming.
23. I love watching the food network, I wish I was a better cook.
24. If I could sing like Katy Perry, life would be completel.
25. I have only seen two bands in concert- Fall Out Boy and Dave Matthews Band.
26. I do not find Will Farrell funny. At all.
27. There are days when I love living in the sorority house, and days when I hate it.
28. I joined Habitat for Humanity this year- and I'm loving every minute of it.
29. I am a big supporter of the Save the Music campaign.
30. I have a penpal!

Day 7: What is your zodiac sign and do you agree with it?
Gemini! I agree with parts of it.
Active mind.
Verbal and intellectual.
Optimistic.
Social.
Emotionally Detached.
Needs novelty.
Indecisive.
Read more here!

I'll do day eight (so I'll be on track!) when I'm done with class.

"Remember, remember the fifth of November..."

"...gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot." V for Vendetta

Day 5 of the Thirty Day Challenge:
Tell about a time where you thought about ending your life?

I am thankful every day that I have never hit this level of rock bottom. I've been close, I won't deny it. But there has always been someone to pull be out of it and (one time literally) smack some sense into me. Freshmen year was rough. It was the first full year that my parents weren't together and I handled myself badly. I spent the entire summer trying to hold the remainder of my family together that eventually I just lost it. I was a wreck for most of that year and I owe surviving that year to a very special person in my life. Since then, I've never hit that low before. There have been some times when all I want to do is give up and let someone else make the decisions for me. If I stop and think about it, I'm tired all the time. Not just sleepy tired, but tired of how things can be sometimes. I'm tired of having to choose between parents. I'm tired of being the buffer between my parents and between my parents and my brother. I'm tired of literally living a double life. But I don't think about it anymore. I wake up every single day and I deal with it. I push through it. Because I know, that in two and a half very short years, I am going to be on my own and I can CREATE my own life. I can make my life for myself however I see fit. And the fact that I will be living my own life separate from anyone else is what is getting me through these next few years.

A message to ANYONE out there that actually reads this:
Ending your life is not a solution. I've been there, at that rock bottom, and it sucks like nothing else in the world. But I promise you, things get better. Just hang in there, and find someone (anyone) who can be that person for you. The person you call at 2am when you don't think you can make it anymore. The person who is just there for you when you need them most. If you need someone, call me. I'm here, and I've been where you think you are. But I promise that there is hope for you and the life you don't want to live anymore. Remember: You are beautiful and fantastic and wonderful and LOVED. Don't forget that.

Day 4!

Day FOUR of the "Thirty Day Challenge".

What are your views on religion?

This is a question that I've been struggling with for most of my life. I have severe issues with organized religion which is a direct result of the atmosphere I grew up in going to church. My church when I was younger was like a second home to me. But then the rector I grew up listening to retired, our assistant rector took over as interim rector, then he left and a brand new leader was brought in. He essentially tore our church apart and I know we are still struggling to overcome that. Now, I worship on my own schedule. Funnily enough, its usually in the shower when I do most of my praying and reflecting. Its the only time of day that I am completely alone and can be totally silent. Every morning, I pray for my family and my friends collectively. Then I pray for those I know need it most. I pray for those I want to help but can't. I pray for those that I've tried to help and failed. I pray for those who are suffering but also for those that are content. Lastly, I pray for myself, that I may find peace in this crazy and chaotic world and that I may find direction and purpose in my life. Starting every day with my own personal type of worship and religion is what works best for me, and I love it.

Day 3!

Day 3 of a FANTASTIC new month.

The challenge question today: What are your views on drugs and alcohol?

I have a different view on drugs and alcohol that most people have. Maybe its because of what my mother does for a living, or my past experiences with it, or any other number of reasons, but I believe in my logic and I'm sticking to it! I had no experience with any kinds of drugs or alcohol before I came to college. I'll admit it, I drink. Or I used to. Not so much anymore. Last year was a bit of a wake-up call for me, and I don't want to go through that again. I can say though, I will probably drink again. Once I'm 21. I mean, I'm prefectly fine with having a few drinks with friends, if we're at home and there isn't a chance of us going out. But behind closed doors and away from the public. On the subject of other drugs, I will not ever do them. Ever. Never ever ever. If you want to partake in them, go for it, I'm not your mother and I can't control what you do. But even when it comes to smoking cigarettes, I don't want to be around it, I don't want to be around anyone when they are doing it, and I don't want anyone to try to pressure me into doing them. The end. That's all!

Day 2!

Day 2 of the Thirty Day Challenge: Where would you like to be in ten years?

Ten years from now, I will be teaching at a low- income, high- poverty urban school here in South Carolina. But between now and then, a lot will happen. Next summer I am planning on spending eight weeks in Africa or India with a program called Cross Cultural Solutions, working with the education systems and in the health clinics. After that, I will enter my senior year of college. I will have two main projects that year- one will be student teaching at a high school here in Charleston, and the other will either be a Bachelor's Essay or a Research Project with a physics professor here at the college. After my senior year of college, I plan on joining the Peace Corps. My plan is to leave in July after I graduate college; I'll be gone roughly 27 months. After I get back, I will find a job teaching high school in South Carolina. Because of the grants I've been given, I have to complete four consequetive years of teaching in a high risk environment in South Carolina within the eight years after I complete my undergraduate studies. I plan on teaching for two years and establishing myself as an educator, and then going back to get a master's degree in education and teaching advocacy.

That's my plan. Its all up in the air still, but this is what I want to do with my life.

Happy November!

Its November. Other than October, November is my favorite month of the entire year. I like October because of Halloween (haha) and because the leaves start changing in North Georgia and its absolutely beautiful. I like November because it means family. My entire family gets together (which partially sucks because both sides of my family hate one another) but the general atmosphere is really nice. I like November in Charleston because that's when the weather here starts to change. Its cool and crisp in the morning and still really nice in the afternoon. I love fall weather :)

For this month, I'm going to be partaking in a "30 Day Challenge". Its just answering questions about myself and my life and it seems really interesting so I'm going to do it.

Day1: Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is going.

I am not currently involved in a relationship and I'm really okay with that. I sat down a few months ago and made a timeline of when I've been involved with a guy and its been pretty consistent over the past three years. But I've been single since February of this year. Honestly, its the longest I've been single since sophomore year of high school. Kind of weird for me isn't it. But to tell you the truth, I'm completely okay with it! Its allowed me to really focus on building strong and meaningful friendships with people. Sure I've met a few guys and things had started to look like they would turn into something more than friendship, but they never did. But like I said before, I'm completely okay with that. Just in the four months that I've been here for my second year of school, my friendships with my sisters in Phi Mu have grown so much stronger than I ever thought was possible. I've started seriously going to church again. Not that being with a guy before had prevented me from going to church, that's not what I mean at all, but I just felt drawn to worship again. It has definitely put everything in perspective for me and I'm definitely becoming a better person. I've never been a "bad" person, but there have been a lot of things I felt the need to improve on and the past six months or so have been beneficial for that. I'll be honest. There are still nights where I get lonely. There are still nights where all I want to do is curl up with someone and watch a movie and just cuddle. So I grab a pillow and my roommates and a cheesy girl movie and we build forts in the living room of the house I'm living in and have a girls night. What I'm doing works for me, and I couldn't be happier. I'd like to meet a guy at some point. I like relationships (especially when they work, haha). But for now, life's great! :)

I'm tired of the life I'm living. I'm tired of waking up every single day and not feeling excited about what's to come. I'm tired of waking up every day and feeling like I don't have a purpose.

So, I'm giving myself a purpose. There is a program called Cross Cultural Solutions (CCS). And I'm going to do it. Not this summer, I need to raise the money first, but next summer absolutely. I want to go to either Ghana or Cape Town in Africa or New Delhi in India. The educational systems needs improvement (teaching teachers how to teach, helping in HIV and AIDS, working in the schools with young children, working to empower women, etc).

Please just pray for me. Pray that I have the fight to make this work. I've got to do something with my life, something worthwhile. Something that will benefit someone other than ME. I feel like such a selfish person, most of what I do is just for me. And I'm done being like that. Pray that I can turn someone's life around.

Nothing like coming home to make me realize what I really miss in my life.

I miss music. I miss playing. I miss the feeling that you get when you get really into a piece and your heart starts racing and your adrenaline starts going and you just feel like you are part of the music you are creating. I miss that feeling so much. It was liberating.

There's something about music that just takes me out of the physical world that I'm in and makes my heart feel happy. I miss that feeling.

Alfred Reed's Russian Christmas
Part 1 and Part 2

Easily my favorite piece ever.

Every Wednesday night, my roommates and I watch Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. I used to watch it, years ago. I never really followed the show. Sometimes I would have to turn the t.v. off because of how graphic the episodes were, but I never really paid attention anyway. But, now we watch it every Wednesday. Every episode is based off of a real occurence in the United States or in the world.

I can not get over how many sick and horrible people there are in the world. There are horrific things happening to innocent people all over the world. What are we going to do to stop it? What are we DOING to stop it?

I am alive; and I have a purpose.

Its funny how one seemingly simple lapse in judgment can define the rest of your life. Its funny how one seemingly simple lapse in judgment can affect how you go about your life.

I lied. Its not funny. It sucks.

This is why I'm so uptight. This is why people tell me to relax ALL THE TIME. This is why people think I'm wound so tightly I'll snap at any minute. I constantly have to check myself before I do ANYTHING, for fear of the repercussions of whatever it is.

College needs to be over. I'm ready to be done with this.

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead me and guide me.
Psalm 31:3

Maybe, one of these days, it'll all go back to how it used to be. Things used to be so much easier. I knew exactly where my life was going and I knew exactly who was going to be a part of that. Now, I have no idea. Its very lonely sometimes.

I'm declaring my second major today and my minor later in the week. The course of my college education of officially set in stone. I'm not going to change majors again. I'm picking something that I love but that also has practicality. Maybe this will turn out okay after all. My plan for the next five years:
Graduate college with a B.S. in Physics, B.A. in Secondary Education, and a minor in math.
Apply and attend graduate school at: College of Charleston, Georgia State, or UVA.
Leave. Join the Peace Corps. Go to India or Ghana or Columbia or Iran. Make a difference.
...OR...
Join the Navy (yes, I'm still toying with this idea).
...OR...
Get a job at an inner city school in New York, Charleston, Atlanta, Los Angelos, or Washington D.C. Change the American education system. Or atleast try to.

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken- winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Langston Hughes

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
-2 Timothy 1:7.

This will seem familiar...

Read this while you are listening to this. Ignore the text in the video, just read the speech and listen to the music. I can't describe it. I'm not sure what moves me more; the speech or the music. More than likely, its the combination of the two. He has such passion for music. He truly believes in the power of what he does. It terrifies me that I haven't felt that passionate about anything in my entire life. It makes me feel very lost. Its been almost two years since we were first introduced to this combination of words and music and I came across them again just this afternoon. Its possible that I feel even more lost than I did when I first heard them. I want to be this passionate about my life and what I want to do with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I have a good life. There is nothing about my life worth complaining about. But when it comes to the vocational side of things, when it comes to what I'm doing to do with my life over the next fifty years, I'm at a loss. I want to be passionate about whatever it is that I end up doing, and I'm terrified that won't happen.

Dear home,

I'm alive, I promise. I haven't forgotten about you. I'm not mad at you. I'm not avoiding you. I'm not blowing you off. I promise I still love you. I'll always love you. But I'm back at the place where I'm completely free. I'm back with the other half of my life. And I can't help but feel like this half of my life is taking over the other half. I'm not sure I'm okay with that, but I don't know how to stop it. Maybe I can't. But I promise I still love you and I always will and I'm doing my best to stay connected.

Love always,
Me.

www.operationbeautiful.com

I go back to Charleston, South Carolina in four days. And, I'm bound and determined to make sophomore year of college ten times better than freshmen year. Don't get me wrong, last year definitely had its good points, but there were more low times and unfortunate incidences than positive experiences. This year, its going to be different!

Close your eyes. Listen to this. Just keep your eyes closed, breathe with the music, and don't fight it. Just go with it. If you react to it the same way I did, it'll carry you away.

e.e. cummings

trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heros

This just blows me away every time I listen to it.

please just help me let all of this go
i don't want to deal with it anymore
time to move on

Shattered

And I've lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Lifeless words carry on

But I know
All I know
Is that the end's beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
I will run
I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over

There's a light
There's a sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love wil conquer

DEAR UNIVERSE,

IF YOU COULD JUST CHILL THE FRICK OUT FOR LIKE TWO DAYS SO I CAN GET MY HEAD BACK ON STRAIGHT, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT. I PROMISE I'LL STOP ACTING LIKE A CRAZY MANIAC IF YOU STOP SPINNING AT A THOUSAND MILES AN HOUR. K, THANKS. I APPRECIATE IT.

LOVE,
MEAGAN

P.S. THIS WHOLE "GLOBAL WARMING" THING? IT WOULD BE REALLY COOL IF THAT COULD DISAPPEAR, TOO.

"I became insane. With horrible intervals of sanity."
-Edgar Allan Poe

As creepy and weird and sick as the guy was, Poe was an absolutely genuis when it came to words.

Just thinking about The Telltale Heart that we read in middle school gives me chills.

Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VAkOhXIsI0

Read and Look at this:

and, know how much I love you :)

Be happy. Be hopeful. Be lovely.

Its been an... eventful few days here.

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday.

They didn't start hurting until today.

Anesthesia wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be, but I swear I thought I was going to die for a few minutes while it kicked in.

Percocet sucks. Big time. I don't like the fuzzy feeling that comes with it. Back to motrin for me.

My room mate from last year isn't coming back to Charleston next year. She's transferring to an in-state school. I love the girl to death and I will support her with anything that she does. But dear God am I going to miss her. She was my first college friend. Heck, we lived together for almost 9 months. You don't connect with someone like that every day. I know we'll stay in touch. I'm just worried about the almost inevitable "falling apart" that happens when distance separates two people.

I don't usually post two in one day, but I'm reading Pat Conroy's South of Broad, and this quote struck me as heartbreakingly beautiful and I wanted to put it out here.

"I collapse into a leather couch, close my eyes, and let myself drift into the luxurious easement of the library with its tiers of well- selected books. The smell of leather consoles me, and it feels like I have rested my head inside a well- oiled baseball glove. As fas as I know, no one has ever mentioned my brother's name in my mother's presence for years. Even now, in the toxic wake of this evening's passage, when I try to conjure up an image of my brother's face, I can summon only a ghostly, featureless portrait, half- sketched in sepia. All I remember is that Stephen was golden and beautiful, and that our losing him drove a stake into the heart of my family. Somehow we managed to survive that day, but none of us ever experienced the deliverance of recovery. I realize you can walk away from anything but a wounded soul."

Pat Conroy is a literary genius.

that last post was kind of trippy... that's what i get for staying up way too late and getting up way too early, i lose all basic grammar, spelling, and motor skills.

i don't think i say it enough, but i love you guys very much. yes, you. you know who you are :)

honestly, i feel like i've been going nonstop since i got home. i got two days off when i got home, then i got a job and started working... haven't had more than one full day off in almost two months.

but. this week. i'm getting wednesday, thursday, AND friday off! yippee!

except... i'm getting my wisdom teeth out. job. so i'll be off work, at home, chilling, and most like heavily medicated. fantastic.

happy fourth!

i joined the "adopt a platoon" program a few weeks ago

it matches you up with a soldier fighting overseas

you're supposed to write to them once a week, just showing support, regardless of whether or not they respond

my soldier- Timothy J. Low, hasn't responded to my letters yet, but i wasn't really expecting a response (i am a total stranger and all)

i got an email today from the "platoon mom", the woman who has organized this program...

Timothy was severely wounded on June 21st.

this is the closest i've ever been to the conflict going on overseas, i don't know anyone who's been deployed, i just know people who are in the training stages of their military career

i feel totally helpless... how do you help someone thousands of miles away?

and maybe, someday, we'll figure all this out

try to put an end to all our doubt

and try to find a way to make things better now

maybe, someday, we'll live our lives out loud

we'll be better off somehow, someday

do ya'll remember the "Now! That's What I Call Music!" CD's? I remember when the first one came out. I was probably 9 or so. Now... they're on "Now! That's What I Call Music 32!" And I feel old. I feel old, and I'm disappointed in the music that kids are allowed to listen to these days. For example...

Lady Gaga- Love Games

Katy Perry- California Girls

Basically anything played on the radio anymore.

I "grew up" (I'm still growing, I know) to my parents playing KC and the Sunshine Band, Dave Matthews, Prince, and Michael Jackson. Granted, a lot of Prince and Michael Jackson's stuff was a tad inappropriate (tad, meaning quite a bit) at times, but still. It really bugs me, the music that kids listen to these days.

Gah. Listen to me. In 50 years, I'm going to be one of those grumpy old cermudgins (my dad's word, synonymous with "old person") who yells at kids to "TURN THAT RACKET DOWN! THAT'S NOT MUSIC!". Goodness. Hope these next 50 years go by slowly.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all of the dad's out there. Father's Day is a day to celebrate everything that it means to be a "father" to someone.

I have a wonderful father. He's helped me to grow into the successful, independent young woman I am today.

This Father's Day, however, is different from past ones. This year marks the first year I have not seen my dad on Father's Day, but it will probably not be the last. This year, he is on vacation. With his wife, my stepmother. And, with her two sons, my step brothers.

I had a point when I started writing this. But now I honestly don't remember what it is. I wish I could see my dad today. He moved on. Met someone else. Got married to someone else. Is a father figure to someone else. But he was my dad first. In an entirely selfish way, that gives me the right to see him on Father's Day over anyone else.

I remembered. My point is, I'm angry. I'm angry with my father. I'm angry that he chose to be away from his two children on Father's Day. I'm angry.

I am turning into a "workaholic"...

...and I'm completely okay with that. I was so worried about coming home this summer; I wasn't sure what I was going to do for three months. So I got a job. I figured it would be like every other job I've ever had- long hours, mediocre pay, slightly crazy bosses, etc.

As it would turn out, it turned out to be so much more than just a job. I've made friends and established relationships with people at a minimum of ten years older than me. I didn't realize there would be such a large age gap at work... we're all at such different points in our lives. Charronda is in her 30's and has three kids, just like Jinny. But Jinny seems light years younger than Charronda. Brian, 29, has been dating Tanya for quite some time and she just turned 23. They're not in school. Kelly just graduated GA State and is taking a year off before going to law school. Branden is 28 and living with his girlfriend. I'm 19, and a sophomore in college.

We're all at such different point in our lives, its amazing to me that we can all get along so well. But, just tonight, I stayed a while after work to hang out with Dre and Brian (both well in their 20's and 30's) and talk. They had a few too many drinks, I had a few too many sweet teas (haha), and I can honestly say that I haven't laughed that hard in MONTHS. I laughed so hard, my chest still hurts. It felt good to laugh like that.

I always figured the next time I had a good laugh would be with my closest friends or something like that. Don't get me wrong, I laugh. I laugh a lot. But this was the first deep, intense, bring tears to your eyes you're laughing so hard laugh I've had in forever. I think my heart actually feels lighter tonight because of it; less heavy.

i wish i could take credit for this, but i can't

Dear Anyone with Low Self- Esteem,

You are positively beautiful.

I love your freckles on your nose, they bring out the colors in your eyes. Your hair frames your face perfectly. Your laugh is contagious and you always make me smile. Those scars on your knees? They show me you've fallen.

That sparkle in your eyes when you smile? They show me you've picked yourself up. Your smile is drop dead gorgeous, wear it more often. Who cares if you have acne? Who cares if you're overweight or underweight, tall or short, tan or pale, A cup or D cup.

All that matters is that someone thinks you're beautiful just the way you are and that someone is me. I wish you could love yourself the way I love you, the way your family loves you, the way your friends love you.

The way God loves you.

I am a Lady.

too much

Another little boy that I know, about 7 years old, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I didn't know you could diagnose children that young. The medications prescribed as "anti-psychotics" aren't safe for children with still developing brains. It'll mess their brain chemistry up terribly. This is too much, guys.

miles

Yesterday, I found out a little boy I've known since birth (I've known his family for years) has cerebral palsy. He will be in leg braces for the rest of his life and is very susceptible to seizures and spastic motor movements. He will have issues with cognition and communication forever. Its a terrible disease, and his family is struggling.

Miles, the little boy, is the youngest of six children, followed by Mollie, Max, Maggie, Morgan, and Mitchell. (Yes, all their names start with M.) I saw their mother and father yesterday for a while. Knowing how stressed out they must be, I offered to babysit one night this week when I'm not working. I've babysat for all six kids before and have some experience working with specials needs children as well.

When I see things like this, its when I start to become angry at God again. They are a good family. They love their kids and do everything they can to support them. The parents love one another very much. The kids get a long (as much as kids under the age of 12 can). Miles is an adorable, innocent, little boy. So how can this be happening to them?

The Butterfly

Today, I received the most wonderful gift from my mother. She's been supporting me throughout my spiritual journey throughout the past few months and has been fantastic about letting me come home from Bible Study and process through things with her.

She gave me a ring for my birthday. Its very simple, sterling silver with a small butterfly etched on the top of it. Simple, elegant, and beautiful. The description of the ring inside the box included the following message:

"Butterflied are of the Lepidoptera order of insects characteristically having slender bodies, knobbed antennae and four broad, usually colorful wings. Because of its life cycle, the butterfly is a strong resurrection symbol to Christians. The lowly caterpillar represents man in his mortal state on Earth. As a chrysalis, the butterfly seems lifeless, but is in the process of being transformed. It is the parallel of man in the grave. The final state, when the butterfly breaks out of the cocoon in a new form, is a symbol of the raising of the dead on the last day; a symbol of everlasting life for all Christians. When applied to Christ's resurrection, the three stages represent Christ born of a woman to be human, Christ in the tomb after his Crucification, and a glorious resurrected Christ, triumphant over sin and death."

I also took a second meaning from the symbolism behind a caterpillar's transformation to a butterfly; an indefinitely more personal one that can apply to anyone anywhere. For many of us, we go throughout our days as if we were "dead". Not dead in the literal sense, but dead in that we didn't know Christ's love for us. We hadn't found our relationship with God, yet. I was that way. This is me as a caterpillar. My wonderful friends and family who began to push me to rediscover a relationship with God are the wrapping surrounding the chrysalis of a caterpillar as it's undergoing its transformation to a butterfly. They provide support and protection and allow me, as a caterpillar, to grow and mature as I am developing a relationship with Christ. Then the butterfly breaks out of the cocoon. For me, this represents the day that you let Christ fully take over your mind, body, and soul. This is the day that you are filled with God's love and Christ's love and begin to live as they would have you live. This is the day that you accept Christ's love as your own.

For these reasons, the ring that I now wear on the fourth digit on my left hand will forever have a very intense symbolism and meaning for me.

"My soul finds rest in God alone: My salvation comes from him."

Psalm 62-1

I wrote that last post. Then got in the shower. Then thought about what I wrote. Then realized how ridiculous I sounded.

I do show emotions, but only to those I can trust. I may not be as trusting as I used to be, but alone the same lines as "innocent until proven guilty", I'm going to trust you until you become untrustworthy.

I was thinking about the above statement, as well, and realized how NOT GOOD of a way that is to go through life. Who wants to go through life automatically assuming that everyone you meet is at some point going to become "untrustworthy"? Apparently, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I like showing emotions. I like showing someone how much I care about them, how happy they make me, how much they really make me angry, how glad I am to see them, etc. The full spectrum of emotions, for the most part, I like showing to people.

I don't have a cold heart, and I'm not a "cold fish", as people have called me before. I'm careful with my emotions, because they do make me vulnerable. But I have no problem showing them.

Jeeze. I may be a bit ridiculous at times, but atleast I can call myself out on my own crap.

Just because I don't show my emotions (if I can at all help it), doesn't mean I don't feel.

I don't really know what I'm talking about but I need to try to get the words out...

Alright. Time for a serious moment here. Megan and I talked about this last week at bible study, but I've been thinking about it ever since. And its really bothering me. But I know if I write about it, I'll be able to process through it. So here's my "I don't really know what I'm talking about but I need to try to get the words out" post.

I talk a lot about love, and how powerful, beautiful, and amazing it is. God's love for us, our love for God, the love between two people. I believe that love in all forms is the most powerful force in the world. Love changes people lives. It changed mine in two ways.

Senior year of high school was rough. I just wanted out of Norcross, Georgia. I was going to school in another state and couldn't wait to just get away from home. I was tired of being at home and tired of being around the same people. I was tired of constantly being surrounded by people that had let me down. Honestly, I was just tired. Exhausted, even. I made it through one of the roughest summers I could have imagined, and finally found my new home in Charleston, South Carolina. I found a family in Charleston. My best friends are there. I've made friendships with my friends at school that I know I'm going to have for the rest of my life. I dated a few guys, but nothing serious. I spent the entire summer convincing myself that love didn't exist, that it was just chemicals in my brain making me feel things that, ultimately, just made me feel pain. So i decided that I didn't believe in love, it no longer existed for me.

Denying the existence of love did absolutely nothing to make me feel better. It just made me feel alone. And then I met someone, and for the first time in almost a year, I was happy. He was someone I could be myself around. We could talk for hours about absolutely everything. All that pain from back home began to disappear. And then he and I had a conversation that changed my perspective on everything. He told me he didn't believe in love, didn't believe in marriage, and didn't believe that people could change. Mind you, these had been things I had been convincing myself of since I moved out. But hearing it from someone else shocked me. We talked for hours about it, and I began to try to convince him that love did exist, that people can change, and some times you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. In trying to convince him that love DOES exist, in all forms, I began to convince myself of that too. Without actually realizing it, I began to believe in love again, and how powerful it could be.

Things began to go south between us, and eventually we decided that we didn't want to be together anymore. I hurt. I was upset. And I was angry. I had opened myself up to the possibility of love and, like before, I got hurt. But one thing was different. I walked away from that relationship believing in the power and possibility of love again. There are no winners when a relationship ends, but I believe that I came out on top. It wasn't a competition, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I walked away believing in love again. I was cold, angry, and bitter when we first started dating. But when it was over, I was open, loving, and on my way to finding peace again. After a few weeks of not talking, we got back in touch, just as friends. I could love him, I could let myself be open to loving him. He's a good guy. And we make one another happy. But I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in love. I can't be with someone who is that closed off. So I'm waiting. Waiting for one of two things. Waiting for him to change his mind about love, which may never happen. And waiting to find someone who believes in love, too. Its an adventure, let me tell you.

The same night I ended up convincing myself that love actually existed is the same night my friend Morgan and I had the first of many "God talks". They're as simple as the sound, we sat on the floor of her dorm room (and later apartment) with whatever food we could find and just talked, for hours, about God and religion, and faith, and our beliefs. I hadn't been to church (voluntarily) in years. That next Sunday, I went to church with her. I cried. Over the next few weeks, I started attending a different church in Charleston, Grace Episcopal (the same denomination I attended when I was younger). That first service was like going home, in the truest sense of the word. Over a year of being angry with everyone, with my family, with my friends, with myself, and with God, and after fifteen minutes in my first service with Morgan I was back on speaking terms with God again. I sat there, again on the floor of Morgan's room, and talked all night with her. About everything that had made me stop going to church in the first place.

That's when Megan started helping me. The greatest thing she has helped me learn over the past six months, is that "church" isn't just about the building. You can have a relationship with God just by waking up every morning and promising, to yourself and to God, to live your life as if He was leading you. The second greatest lesson I've learned, because of Megan, is probably the most important. God loves me. He always has. He loved me even when I turned my back on him. He didn't abandon me, leaving me to deal with everything alone. He was right there with me the entire time, patiently waiting for me to realize that I was never alone. I opened my heart back up to God's love, and now I feel more whole than I have in my entire life.

The message behind all of this: Don't give up on love. Especially God's love. When it comes right down to the wire, if you have a solid, loving relationship with God, you will be able to survive anything.

EVERYONE'S HOME!!!

Andie Andie Andie Andie!

Megan!

Onelia!

Julie!

Tiffany!

...and me!

We're all home! Which means we have a little less than a week to catch up before we all start going in crazy different directions. AGH!!!!!! Everyone's home :)

Just found out one of my very good friends from school won't be coming back in the fall. This sucks.

Books

A list of books I want to read before the summer is over (in no particular order):

1. The Red Tent, Anita Diamant

2. The Sacred Romance, Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

3. How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World, Jordan Christy

4. The Hideous Strength, C.S. Lewis

5. I Am Legend, Richard Matheson

6. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, Mark Haddon

7. Atonement, Ian McEwan

8. The Virgin Suicides, Jeffrey Eugenides

9. Doctor Zhivago, Boris Pasternak

10. This is Your Brain on Music, Daniel J. Levitin

Nonsense

This is ridiculous. What happened to the adorable little girl on Disney Channel? Although Miley Cyrus is a little bit annoying with all of the publicity she gets, she is a role model of some sort to a lot of little kids, specifically girls. I had no problem letting the kids I nannied for and babysat for listening to and watching Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. She seems sweet and adorable and ever episode of Hannah Montana has some sort of "moral" or "lesson" learned at the end. Its not the ideal show for kids to watch, but its not horrible. However I'm not comfortable letting small children listen to songs like this and potentially see their videos.

Of course Miley Cyrus is going to grow up and want to change her demographic and make her productions more "grown- up". That's understandable. But I don't think she realizes how many young children look up to her. She need not forget that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjSG6z_13-Q

Pride

Pride is a terrible thing. Don't get me wrong, it has its positive and negative connotations. Being proud of your accomplishments is perfectly okay. Being proud of your family members for their accomplishments is definitely okay (my brother is the 2010-2011 Saxophone section leader!!!). However, being prideful about your life to the point that you refuse to accept help from others when you know you need it is not a good thing.

By all means be proud of yourself. Be proud of your family and friends. Be proud of your life. But please please please please please please please please DO NOT be prideful to the point that you won't accept help from others. Know your limits. Know when to ask for help. You don't have to deal with everything on your own.

Thursday

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless sparks of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your souls perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." Ayn Rand.

Beautiful

Wicked

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love, I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

wow

The purpose of forgiveness is to allow you to become at peace with a situation. We have to learn to forgive so that, in turn, God can forgive us. Whatever you do and whenever you do it, do it with love; specifically, God's love.

I had an amazing time tonight.

Tonight

I'm going to church/youth group with Megan tonight. I'm really excited to see how this will go, she's asked me to go for a while now, and I've finally got the time!

I'm back on good terms with God again, not as angry as I used to be. Its a slow process, but I'm loving every minute of it.

I've been reading up on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. This is bad news, guys. And its only going to get worse.

The Things I Wish I Knew

Ten things I wish I knew when I started my freshman year of college:

10. Don't eat meat from the cafeteria. No explanation needed.

9. Join the rewards club at the local grocery store (here, Harris Teeter). You get fantastic deals and ridiculously low prices and discounts that you won't get on food if you don't have a membership. Most of the time these memberships are free!

8. You can still eat healthy in the dorm room. Yogurt, fruit, vegetables, juices without tons of sugar, organic food, whole wheat bread, etc. You don't have to follow the typical college diet of oreos, ramen, and easy mac.

7. You will change your major at least once. I've done it twice and will probably do it again before next year is over.

6.Take a wide variety of classes. That's why general education requirements are there, they allow you flexibility in the classes you are required to take so you can take classes YOU WANT and still get credit for them. That's how I ended up in an anthropology class. And now I'm possibly declaring myself as an anthropology major. You could just find what you want to do for the rest of your life in a simple gen-ed requirement.

5. You're going to meet people that you don't like. And unlike high school, where you are surrounded by the same people every day for four years, college campuses are big enough that you don't have to see the same people every day unless you want to. So if you meet someone that you just don't want to be around for whatever reason (hopefully a legitimate reason), chances are you don't have to.

4. You don't have to be best friends with your room mate, but you do need to develop a relationship with them. I'm fortunate to have had a fantastic room mate this past year that I actually consider one of my best friends. We've had our differences, but she really is a great girl. (On the plus side, she's NOT transferring, so she'll be back next year!!!) During my friendship with Caitie, we've met some amazing young women here in Charleston. All of us, Morgan, Caitie, Heather, Devon, Devin and I. We're going to be friends for a very long time.

3. Don't try to plan everything out. There is no need to plan out your four years at college in the very beginning. You don't need to outline every class you are going to have to take, how many hours you're going to take in your remaining semesters, and what times you want to take them. Just take it one semester at a time.

2. If you don't put yourself out there and make friends, you're going to be miserable. I'm now completely comfortable going up to someone I've never met before and saying, "Hi, I'm Meagan. Who are you and how are you?" I can thank freshman year for that.

1. You will not be the same person you were when you arrived in August than you are now in May. I can say, without a doubt, that I am not the same person I was. I've grown up a lot, I'm a little taller, a little more wiser, and a little less petty than I was before. I've learned not to take things for granted and, surprisingly enough, I'm learning to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Books

I love books. There's something beautiful about them. I've been working in the library for about a week now. Actually working at the library at the circulation desk, not just studying. I've been cataloging books, re-shelving books, checking people in and out of the system, organizing newspapers and periodicals.

I didn't want to work in the library initially. But now, I'm so glad I did. There are so many different resources I didn't even know we had. I was going through the newspapers today; its the first of the month; and got caught up reading them. I just sat there on the floor of the library for atleast an hour (I was supposed to be working, mind you) reading China Daily, Moscow Weekly (both in English of course), and the New York Times.

Do you know how long its been since I've read a newspaper? Probably over a month. That's not normal for me. I read the paper every morning. We get it at home in Georgia and they give out free copies in the dorm lobby. I've missed being informed about current things happening in the world. Granted, I read the online Atlanta Journal Constitution, I read at msnbc.com pretty regularly, and when I have time, BBC Online. Along with the ten or so anthropology and science online news sources I subscribe to. But, there's nothing like reading an actual newspaper.

We live in the world of Kindles, Macbooks, iPods, and cellphones. Pretty soon, most things will be completely computerized. I hope hope hope hope hope hope HOPE that libraries and print news sources aren't eliminated because of this technological era we live in. Sure you can read books online. I've done it plenty of times. My Calculus text book is an online copy (I don't recommend doing this, by the way). But there's something very satisfying of having a "hard copy" of something.

Hesitate

The human heart is a scary part in fact.
'Cause I could break you and you could break me back.

Though my head says "just forget it,
You'll get hurt and you'll regret it,"

Ask me now and I won't hesitate.

One last thing.

This was the whole reason for me even posting something today. I found this picture. I love it. I have no idea where it is or if its even real, but I love it.

Records

I looked up and the first thing i saw was: records. Caitlin and I have about fifty old 45's strung together with fishing wire hanging from one of our walls. They're kinda cool actually.

The rest of the stuff on our walls:

wrapping paper to make it more colorful

old 45's (records)

random drawings and notes from over the year

a portrait of me done by Morgan in charcoal (she's not an artist, but Picasso would be proud, haha)

Bob Marley poster

surfing poster

cross country poster

Beatles/abbey road poster (its about 5 ft by 6 ft)

Muhammad Ali poster

Boondock Saints Poster

101 Best Movie Quotes poster

random decals with flowers and polka dots

pictures. everywhere.

The amount of pure crap we've accumulated in the past 9 months has to be completely packed up and removed by May 6th. Which means, we're getting started this weekend. Our goal: get everything off the walls by Sunday.

There is one minor problem, the walls are ridiculously messed up. We've shoved thumb tacks in them, used sticky tack on them, and accidentally ripped off some of the paint/sheetrock in places. We've got to buy a tube of spackle and re-do parts of the walls or we're getting fined, big time. It was all accidental, but still. We should have been WAY more careful.

Oh college. Only three more years.

Wednesday

I don't see the point in numbering these anymore. I don't know why I did it in the first place.

Its the end of the year and that literally can only mean one thing: room mate problems. Don't get me wrong, I love my room mate dearly. She's one of my best friends. But we would be a lot better off if we didn't live together. First semester was fine. This semester, once we became closer, we just started driving one another crazy. That sound ironic I know. We're just completely different people with completely different lifestyles. I think I'm just tired of sharing a room. I'm ready to go home!

Easy Mac. You know, the microwaveable mac and cheese. Its gross. And it smells even worse than it tastes. I can handle instant oatmeal, its not terrible. Ramen is tolerable at 3am and there it NOTHING else to eat. Usually I go for the cereal though. We eat a lot of frosted flakes and raisin bran around here. But easy mac. I don't get it. Its powdered cheese mixed with water mixed with noodles that you can cook in a microwave. Its disgusting.

I'm exciting for my housing situation next semester. I'll be sharing a room with a really great girl, we get along great and are a lot alike. AND, there is a full kitchen in the house. Which means, no more crappy microwaveable food. Which means, actual cooked meals with nutritional value. No more questionable cafeteria food. Finally.

I think I've gone vegetarian without even realizing it. Honestly though, I can't think of the last time I ate meat. I'll eat chicken occasionally when I need the protein and I'll eat fish when I need more iron to counteract being anemic. But I'm not anemic at the moment (Finally! Actually the last time I was legitimately sick was before Spring Break, which is a record for me. I was sick off and on from December to March. It sucked.) and I've discovered a new source of protein- peanut butter, haha. I'm healthier now too, not eating as much meat as I did before. So I don't know. Maybe I'll go fully vegetarian. Maybe I'll just stick to my "one piece of chicken every two weeks" deal. Who knows.

Happy Wednesday! Its HUMP DAY!

Twelfth.

On a random side note before I even begin, "twelfth" is one of the weirdest looking words I've ever seen. It just looks... wrong.

I'm heading home in a few weeks and I just can't wrap my head around that. Its hard to believe that my freshmen year of college if over and I've only got three more years of this left. Its definitely been a growing experience, to say the least.

I lost some friends, and made so many new ones. I got hurt. I fell for someone. I got in trouble. I passed calculus! I started to learn who I am in the world. I have a new relationship with my brother that's stronger than ever. I started going to church again. I found a church I feel at home at. (I don't know that I'm doing to do. I feel so at home at my church here, what am I going to do when I leave for the summer?)

I have changed so much in the past ten months, but completely in a good way. I'm a stronger, bigger, better, person than I was when I left home. In a way, Charleston feels like home now. I'm nervous to go back to Norcross. I have family there and a few close friends. But my life is 90% in South Carolina now. Its going to be... weird... going back home for the summer.

Eleventh.

I believe that love is one of the strongest emotions in the universe. I believe that is has the power to tear you apart and break you down. I also believe it is the most positive emotion in the universe. I believe it can heal your heart, lead you in the direction your life should be going, and make you whole again.

People say that love hurts. They're wrong. Abandonment hurts. Rejection hurts. A broken heart hurts. Love can heal all of that. Love is a beautiful thing, it makes everything seem just a little but brighter.

Love comes in many forms. The love between and parent and child is one of the strongest bonds and has been that way since the beginning of time. The love between you and your God is even stronger. That love is the healing kind.

I say "I love you" on a regular basis. To my mother, my father, my brother, and my friends. I never end a conversation with a family member without telling them that I love them. In a weird and sad way, if that is the last time I'm ever able to talk to them, I want the last thing they hear from me to be how much I love them.

Open your heart to love. Please. Everything will turn around for you if you just let someone in and let them love you. It doesn't have to be a romantic love. It can just be a supportive, "I'm here for you, let me help you" love. But please, open your heart.

Tenth.

I rarely say that I "hate" something and even less frequently will I say that I "hate" someone. There are certain things and certain people that I extremely dislike and will do all things possible to avoid, but hate is too strong of a word most of the time.

I don't like unpleasant people and I would prefer not to be around them. Especially the ones who find it appropriate to yell at me in the middle of lab and use certain expletives while doing so. If you don't have anything nice to say, then just don't say anything at all.

I don't understand why some people think they have the right to speak to people like that, its belittling and hurtful and just plain mean. You have the right to free speech and all and I respect that, but jeeze... there's a line that doesn't need to be crossed.

Ninth.

Let me go into a bit of detail about the situation I was talking about earlier: Female infanticide in Northern India.

This isn't just present in the lower castes of civilization. It happens in all levels of society.

It occurs in the lower castes because:

1. Males are needed to perform rituals that females can not.

2. Males are believed to be able to better support their kin (specifically their parents) than females can.

3. The lower castes practice a "dowry" system. When a daughter is married off to another family, her kin sends some amount of wealth with her to the new couple. Since the new couple resides with the groom's kin, the dowry benefits his family, too. Dowries are not inexpensive, which is the reason female children are deemed too "expensive".

It happens in the upper castes because:

1. The dowry system is basically irrelevant, most times the dowry is actually refused or not even offered, but the upper classes of society want sons so their family name will be carried on and so that a male can take over whatever family business there is.

Wealthy families that can actually afford multiple children, regardless of whether or not they are female, will get an abortion if their child is female simply because their culture supports that idea. More often than not, its the husbands pushing the women toward abortion. The video we watched today made the statement what husbands and their family "force" women to abort their female babies. I take issue with that, you can't force someone to have an abortion. You can pressure them, do everything you can to persuade them, but ultimately, showing up at the abortion clinic and saying "Yes, I want this" is the woman's decision.

There are organizations of Indian women that are trying to put a stop to female selective abortion. They've managed to shut down ultrasound clinics that will reveal the sex of the baby and they will physically show up at the houses of pregnant women and talk to them about their options if the child is a female. Adoption is one of the main things they try to talk to the women about- carry the baby to full term, then give the child to a family that can't have children and will actually APPRECIATE the child just for being alive, regardless if the baby is male or female.

These people practicing female selective abortion have clearly stated that they believe abortion is a sin but that they don't have "any other option". Murder is a sin, but you don't see me going around killing people that make my life a little more difficult. Adultery is a sin, but just because a couple is having marital problems doesn't make it okay to be unfaithful.

These women are aborting their pregnancies up to SIX MONTHS of their pregnancy. That is ridiculously dangerous, not only because its actively killing an innocent child, but because of the health risks that come from having an abortion that late in a pregnancy. These women may have up to six abortions in their lifetime, many of them between four and six months of their pregnancy. In at least a half of those, the children turn out to be male anyway, because the ultrasound technician mis-read the ultrasound.

I'm well aware that 30% of this post is cold, hard fact and the other 70% is COMPLETELY my opinion and my reaction to this situation. Feel free to develop your own opinion if you so choose, I'll respect it. I expect you (whoever actually reads this) to respect my opinion, too.

Eighth.

We're reading an article in my anthropology class about "Female Infanticide and Child Neglect in Rural North India". It talks about female selective abortion and female infanticide. The main idea of the article is that females in rural Northern India are "too expensive" and "too much of a liability" for their families. The article specifically says that the pride of upper castes and tribes in India pushes them to murder female infants rather than give them away to more dominant groups AND that the families don't want to have to pay the expensive dowry that goes along with marrying off a daughter to another family.

Anthropologically speaking, SCIENTIFICALLY speaking, I accept what infanticide is. If you don't have to economic resources, or the space, or the food to feed a child, then infanticide is "appropriate". I feel terrible for saying that though! From a human perspective, infanticide is wrong. Its murder. There is absolutely no reason why a child's life should be taken, regardless if you have the economic means or not. Adoption agencies exist for a reason. The foster care system in the United States is awful, and from what little I know about the adoption process, its a really rough thing, especially on the kids. I don't even know what kind of system exists for abandoned children. But infanticide is murder.

The article goes on to talk about "female selective abortion". Pregnant women who follow the practice of female infanticide will request an amniocentesis and upon finding the sex of the baby, will request an abortion if it is female. Now most clinics in India don't offer amniocentesis testing for this very reason, so female selective abortion can't occur at these clinics. BUT IT STILL HAPPENS. I don't get it.

The particular people we are studying right now are Orthodox Jains, a particular culture in Northern India. Jainism supports NONVIOLENCE TOWARD ALL LIFE FORMS! These people will wear cloths over their mouths when the sleep so they don't swallow flies. They don't plow into the earth because they're afraid the'll cut a worm in half. I'm not exaggerating, these seem to be the most peaceful people on the planet. BUT a Jain woman is willing to abort a female fetus in the sixth month of gestation because the cultural disfavor toward the birth of daughters is so strong. It makes me sick.

We're supposed to take an objective approach in anthropology, especially when it comes down to studying other cultures. But I don't know that I can be objective about something as disturbing as female infanticide and female selective abortion. I can be objective about marriage customs, food preferences, gender roles in society, but not this. If accepting that other cultures view female infanticide, ANY form of infanticide, as appropriate and acceptable, then I'm not cut out for anthropology. I can not accept that in the world it is socially and culturally acceptable to murder a child or abort a fetus simply because of their gender.

My whole desire to be an anthropologist comes from my desire to bring new levels of understanding between vastly different cultures that have had differences in the past or are still at odds with one another. I don't know how I'm going to be able to accomplish that when I can't even grasp this situation.

At some point, later in life, when I'm married and have somewhat figured out my life (although that may never happen), I would like to have children. I love children of all ages. I love watching them grow up. I love being with them. I absolutely love everything about them, even the hard/messy/rough/difficult things about them. I have two of the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for and I know that because of them and the wonderful job they have done and are doing raising me and helping me grow into an adult, I will be able to be the same kind of parent to a child some day. I'll make mistakes like everyone else, but I will be a good mother whether I have sons or daughters or both. Even thinking about having children some day, I can't comprehend what it would be like to decide to end one of their lives. I couldn't and I WOULDN'T do it. There is absolutely no reason to. And this is where I struggle with drawing the line between my culture and the cultures of the rest of the world.