I have a problem. And I don't know who to talk to about it. Anyone I would talk to about it would more than likely call me crazy and ridiculous and tell me to get over myself. So I'm just going to get it out on here and hope that putting words to it will help.

I don't feel anything anymore. In my heart, in my soul, I don't feel anything. I still have emotions. I get excited and enthusiastic when I talk about the future; what I want to teach, why I want to teach, the changes I want to make to the educational systems of our country. I get really intense when we have conversations about things I'm passionate about- issues with foster care systems, issues in the educational system, issues in politics. But when it comes to certain things, things that normally would make my heart beat out of control, nothing...

I went on a date last night. Just low key, hanging out, going for a walk, that kind of thing. Normally being around a guy I'm interested in makes my heart beat out of control and I turn into this silly, goodball of a girl. That used to happen even if I didn't know the guy very well. But it also used to happen after almost a year of dating someone. And now, it doesn't happen anymore. Nothing, not even a feeling of being mildly giddy or nervous. It hasn't happened for a while now. I remember the last time I felt that way. I think part of me is scared I won't ever feel that way again. That's a lie. I'm terrified I won't ever have feelings again.

This is all stupid. I shouldn't be freaked out about this. For a while, I've joked with my friends that I'm cold and heartless because of what I've been through and dealt with. Its a running joke, "Meagan, show some emotion. Meagan, don't be so heartless." But now, I'm afraid we were right.